Reports Board Archive September 2029
Reports Message: 9/73 Posted Author Protectobot Fundraiser Mon Sep 01 Hot Spot ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ *The news channel five logo flashes across the screen before cutting to a field reporter.* "Hello, this is Josh Trunabaker on scene at the ... ..." The reporter fumbles with his notes for a moment, "Ah yes, the Protectobot Fundraiser held in the lovely city of New York. It seems the Autobot sub-group had applied for all the permits needed, they did not however apply for a Dinobot wrecking license." The screen replays some footage of Grimlock bashing his tail into a building in the lower left hand of the screen. "I'm here with fire marshall Vince Vuldoon of the three-o-first division, Vince?" A middle aged gentlemen in the firefighting getup with jelly donut smeared on his beard approaches the screen, then steps backwards and takes a place beside the reporter. "Uh yeah. Dem robots over dere did a number on dem dere structural support beams fer dat bildin'. Even though dem Proctorbots were dere to pick up the mess, it's not right!" During the man's rather eloquant speech, the bottom left replays the scene of a floating fish, some Autobots, and Defensor attempting to 'save the day'. "Why da hell do we need dem anyways, if dey juss gonna cause every problem dey needed for?" The camera zooms back in on Josh Trunabaker. "Err, thank you for your professional opinion sir. The scene also covered the escape of mental patient Scott Phelming, otherwise known as Scrappy. This man was institutionalized for delusions of being a Constructicon in a former life..." A picture of a scruffy looking man appears in the bottom left during the report on the mental patient. "And we've gotten a hold of one Firestar, Autobot Search and Rescue expert. Frank... ...is 'she' on the line right now?" The audio cuts out to a phone call. "Oh hello Firestar. This is Josh Trunabaker for news channel five. How can you explain what happened here last night?" Some static over the line, then the voice of the firefighting femme of the Autobots breaks through. "Grimlock just had an accident with his tail. He was really excited that ah got him some pie and....well...he jus' wagged his tail in happiness! Of course...he underestimated the length of his tail. Accidents happen and I don't think he meant any harm. "Didn't mean any harm? I'll let you be the judge! Finally, it appears the Protectobots made quite a haul here at the fundraiser for their new headquarters, /but/ with the expenses of the building and the overtime of the local officers... ...they come out with approximately one dollar... ...excuse me, that was one canadian dollar. So roughly ninety-eight cents american... ...This whole situation begs the question, does New York City need the Protectobots at all? This is Josh Trunabaker for news channel five, signing off. Reports Message: 9/74 Posted Author Abdul Fakkadi captured Fri Sep 05 ZNN ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Good evening, this is Bob Dobson, and you're watching ZNN. The world is still shocked by the sudden capture of the notorious and eccentric ruler of Carbombya, President Abdul Fakkadi. While Fakkadi had been a major nuisance on the world stage for years, prior attempts by the world community to reign in the dictator have failed, as shown by this footage of a peacekeeping effort by the UN in 2016." Some old footage of UN peacekeeping troops in little blue helmets comes up, fleeing from something as one of them shouts, "Run away, she has a stick! RUN AWAY!" And right behind them is a cranky old Carbombyan woman, waving a stick around while she makes a noise that sounds like a cat dying. "It seems that, however, that his rule has finally come to an end thanks to action by the EDC. The UN-backed military force has not yet issued an official statement for why it apprehended the dictator, but anonymous sources believe that it may have to do with Fakkadi's alleged collaboration with terrorist groups and the Decepticons. Despite this, many around the world are angered by the capture of Fakkadi." The program transitions to an interview with a portly looking asian fellow in a prim khaki uniform that has a ridiculous number of medals on it. The caption under him reads: Ki Ki Ki, President of the Free Communist Confederate Democracy of Ikilyu. "The EDC has overstepped its boundaries this time!" he rants. "Who are they going to kidnap next? Me!? ...actually, *are* they going to kidnap me? Do you know?" He looks out a window, as if expecting a black helicopter with commandoes in it. Don Dobson returns, smirking a bit. "Haha, those crazy dictators. Ahem. While apprehending Fakkadi may be of some relief to the world community, it also introduces a new problem--what will Carbombya do without its leader? Currently, its citizens are reportedly considering three options for dealing with this crisis: 1) All-out anarchy, 2) Civil War between the various generals in the military, and 3) A mix of the previous two choices. "As for Fakkadi himself, he is being held in the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, which has also caused some international controversy, as the self-styled King of Kings and President of Presidents has insisted that he is not insane. Apparently his incarceration in the facility was the result of a "clerical error" but it will take some time for him to be transferred to another holding facility. In other news..." Reports Message: 9/75 Posted Author Shawn Berger also captured Fri Sep 05 ZNN ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "...Shawn Berger Jr., who is the prime suspect in a major bombing attempt on Autobot City, was also recently captured by the Autobots after a daring operation. The business tycoon, son of Shawn Berger, who was also a business tycoon, had been using a shell corporation, dubbed--" The newscaster lets out a snicker-snort. "--Le Werger. Hahaha, Le Werger. Uh, yes, he had been using Le Werger to clandestinely operate his businesses in the states, and used Le Werger's office building to hide his presence in the country. Now, however, Berger has been brought back to the United States for trial." A brief clip of Berger being marched off by cops is featured, and Berger yells, "I'M INNOCENT! I'M NOT A TRAITOR!" "However," the newscaster continues, "Upon examining his cell phone, authorities found that he had sent 548 text messages to a contact labeled "Galvatron," and all of the messages read: "HLP ME PLZZZ!!!! D: D: D:" "Like Fakkadi, Shawn Berger Jr. has been transferred to the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, despite outraged claims from his lawyer that Berger is perfectly sane." "After the break, Arkham Asylum has enjoyed an influx of inmates recently, thanks in no small part to the EDC and the Autobots, and has managed to win a shocking victory against DC Comics, holding onto not only the name of their Asylum, but also obtaining full rights to the Batman license. What does mean for the Asylum, and for DC Comics? Find out after these commercials." Reports Message: 9/76 Posted Author Disaster on Creon Sun Sep 07 Galactic News ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Galactic news logo flashes up, and a newsreader with 15 tentacles grips his sheet, oozing slime all over it. "This just in! Troubles on the planet Creon grow after evacuations are sparked due to worries over the status of the Creonite sun which has shown some unexpected solar activity. Creon, once one of the technological centres of the galaxy had undergone an economic recession after a scientific backlash when evidence came to light that the Creonites had not evolved as thought, but had been created by the alien Quintessons." A picture of a Quintesson appears in a little inset box behind the reader. "The Quintessons had been quickly accepted in their new positions as the Creonite gods, causing many companies to leave the planet, and their assets seized by the new order. However this is putting the evacuation procedures under threat, as many citizens believe that science is once again wrong and that their Gods will protect them. Whatever happens, THIS newsreader suggests taking some space-marshmallows! Fun for all the family. Unless you're on the planet of course." Reports Message: 9/77 Posted Author Creon No More! Sun Sep 07 Galactic News ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Galactic news logo flashes up, and a newsreader with 15 tentacles grips his sheet, oozing slime all over it. In one tentacle, he holds a stick with a half-eaten marshmallow on it. "Greetings all sapient lifeforms. Following an influx of solar ions following the recent destruction of the K'Tor Cluster, the Creonite sun destabilised and went nova. Thankfully the rulers of Creon, the Quintessons were able to evacuate most of the population with the help of the noble Decepticons and the glory-seeking vapid-insipid Autobots." The newscast shows a picture of Apocryphacius standing by a Terran shuttle on Creon, and an inset picture of Powerglide that has been signed with gold pen. "The Creonite refugees have now rejected the Quintessons as their gods and creators, calling them a 'bunch of lying Nurglian Warfgloggers'. Where will the refugees go? Not in my backyard I hope!" Reports Message: 9/78 Posted Author Galactic Weather Sat Sep 13 Galactic News ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A multitentacled alien with 16 tentacles appears on screen. Behind him is a map of the galaxy, and he has a stick in his hand. "Greetings all lifeforms! Here is the weather. Harsh ion storms brought about from the destruction of the K'Tor Cluster a few Blorms back have been drawn out of the Rainbow Climbs by a subspace slipstream. Space travellers are warned that the area is turning into a galactic minefield. For all inhabitants of that area, we suggest checking your insurance policies." "The destruction of the Creon system has forced a refugee fleet Spinwards towards Angor, which is also being hit by the ion storm. Whoops! Not a good day to be a Creonite, is it! Luckily the commanding Colonel of planet Kay-Efcay have offered the inhabitants of Creon jobs working in their chicken mines. Good days for all!" "In other weather news, black holes are out, and pulsars are in! This has been the weather, now back to your favourite entertainment!" The screen changes back to the Hypnotoad show. Reports Message: 9/79 Posted Author Thank You Earth Sat Sep 13 Creon-In-Exile ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The flag of Creon appears on the screen, and a humanoid Creonite appears, wearing a labcoat emblazoned with stars, the uniform of the leader of Creon-In-Exile "What could have been a massacre was averted by our brave soldiers!" he announces solomnly. "The vile Decepticon Sweeps attacked our fleet and decimated it, in the stricted sense of the word, in the Angor system. But thanks to the sacrifice of two of our carriers, the Capitol and the Marshall, we survived. Thanks also goes out to the planet Earth, who sent forces to aid in our rescue, along with their comedy robot dinosaur. All of you are now honorary members of New Creon, and are guaranteed citizenship on our world, wherever it will be!" He raises his arms. "We have lost much. But we will found a new planet, with new laws, and we will never again turn from science! Reports Message: 9/80 Posted Author Creon Rescue Sat Sep 13 Marissa Faireborn ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At 1545 Alameda time NASA satellites detected a distress call from a Creon space fleet under attack by Decepticon forces near the K'Tor cluster in the Rainbow Climbs. You may recall this sector from earlier this year when another star went nova, leaving behind stockpiles of energon. You may also recall the Quintesson involvement of that situation. Whatever it was, it seems to be spreading. At any rate, the Intrepid launched with a squadron of Starknights to defend the Creons. We arrived along with the Autobot ship Alpha Trion, although Autobot forces were light, and only Swoop was able to participate in the battle. The Decepticons consisted mainly of the Sweeps and two of their shuttles: the Cone-1 and the Conquest Ii. The shuttle and the fighters engaged the Decepticons, and although several Creon ships were destroyed, many others were able to successfully flee the battlefield. Once the Creons had fled, the nearby star system went nova, and we disengaged from the Decepticons in order to flee. The remaining Creonites have expressed their thanks to our soldiers, and apparently they wish to consider all involved EDC personnel as honourary citizens of whatever planet they end up colonizing. What exactly that means I leave up to our lawyers. - Colonel Marissa Faireborn Reports Message: 9/81 Posted Author Medusa Casc...oopsies! Sun Sep 14 Future CNN ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ On the latest edition of Future CNN Tonight, newscasters relate a story, of how an Autobot named Cloudraker, recently returned from a mission in the Medusa Cascade, let it slip in conversation at the Steel Balloon that his ship's readings spotted a nearby star in the system on its way to a nova status. The newscast quickly moves on to news about the Intergalactic Death-Soccer league, in which Sporon beat Poontank 4-2 in regulation. Reports Message: 9/82 Posted Author In Passing.. Tue Sep 16 Telestar ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From the non-partisan, inter-factional web-bulletin-board of the journal "Modern Intergalactic Astronomy," Subject: "Novum and Their Effects on Cybertron" Author: DJTS (telestar@public.autobot.mil) Posts: 1,787 Status: BBoard Supernova! "So, fellow stargazers, in passing, I note that the most recent nova in the Medusa Cascade, as predicted by Autobot Cloudraker and confirmed earlier this morning, has caused some residual energy to make its way towards our little end of the spectrum. I propose for debate, even idly, whether or not the ancient solar array up by the old graveyard could be repaired, perhaps to capture some of this energy as it hits? For my Decepticon....friends, I'm sure we could come to some mutual agreement as to what to do with the power generated..perhaps route it to Crystal City or somesuch. Anyhow...discuss! -DJTS" Reply #1 Author: EjectRocks (eject@blaster.autobot.mil) Status: New Moon "F1rst!" Reply #2 Author: Swindizzleor69 (swindle@combaticons.decepticons.mil) Status: Banned "L4m3 n00b, go --censored--- yourself in a --censored--." Reports Message: 9/83 Posted Author Sikkara Under Siege! Sat Sep 20 Galactic News ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The news alien appears, all twenty of his tentacles clutching a different piece of paper. "Good Splorg! Today sad news for all of you with relatives on the planet SIKKARA. Using the cover of the worsening ION STORMS currently raging across the galaxy, the planet of Sikkara has been attacked by hostiles! "Sikkara is an uninhabited world with only basic lifeforms. But there are - WERE many science bases scattered about which processed the rare and powerful ore suppliment known as Red Ether which is used as an additive in many fuel systems across the Blor Quadrent. Rescue ships are heading to Sikkara to search for any remaining supplies of Red Ether, and survivors." The alien smiles with all six of his mouths. "And now, Kitten In A Tree" hour! Reports Message: 9/84 Posted Author I Want You! Sun Sep 21 Ramjet ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Posters and advertisements on a hundred million broadcast frequencies on ten thousand worlds pop up like unsightly rust. You'll find them inbetwixt children's programming, up-all-night programming, plastered in bars and at Galaxy Shuttle stops. It is the image of Ramjet, looking very tenacious. He is pointing for YOU! Yes, YOU!. Not the guy behind you, but YOU. The common man got you down? Are you a mechanical, super-robot lifeform who has been branded 'maniacal, maladjusted, and just no good' by the rest of society? Desire more a life of meaning, accomplishment, and accolade? Then.. AIR COMMANDER RAMJET wants YOU to join DECEPTICON AEROSPACE! See the universe and wrench control from the chaos! Visit your local recruiter and Transform your life today! Service guarantees citizenship! DECEPTICON AEROSPACE: let our nurture become your nature and your nomenclature. Reports Message: 9/85 Posted Author A Very Special Message Fri Sep 26 Rodimus Prime ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Across broadcast satellites throughout the Galaxy, a prime time advertisement bursts out of your home television or 4-D holoarray system: "THE AUTOBOTS NEED YOU" The text fades from a black screen into a picture of an abandoned canal on Cybertron. Suddenly, a hand puts down a giant red and yellow ghetto blaster boombox right in front of the camera. The end theme from Buckaroo Banzai starts to play: Rodimus Prime appears, climbing to the top of the embankment wall of the canal. He is alone, and after scanning the area, he climbs down the ferrocrete wall into the bottom of the ravine. He starts marching forward to the camera to the beat of the music. Suddenly, from off camera, Ultra Magnus appears. The two nod, and start to walk alongside each other. The pass the boombox, which transforms and grows into Blaster, who joins the group. Kup, Arcee, Springer walk in as well -- then Blaster's tapes push forward from behind, until a giant crowd of Autobots appears around Rodimus, all walking in time to the music towards the camera. Finally, Metroplex transforms in the far distance, looming up behind all of them. Rodimus stops in front of the camera. "I'm Rodimus Prime, and these are my friends. We keep the Galaxy safe, and we want YOU--" he points at the camera. "To help us. So what do you say?" The camera cuts to an Autobot recruitment center on Cybertron, with a long line of various unaffiliated Transformers lined up to join. "SAVE CYBERTRON. SAVE THE GALAXY. BE A HERO." You then promptly return to your regularly scheduled program -- Space Gladiator Slugfights 9000. Reports Message: 9/86 Posted Author Friend Request: snapthedr4g0n6667 Mon Sep 29 Snapdragon ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: snapthedr4g0n6667 View profile? (Y/N) Y >> Name: Snap Dragon Location: Tha Flaiyyy Pitt, Cybertron Pictures: (209) Likes: punching sh*t, space flying, bathing, doing nothing Dislikes: you, things you like, your friends, etc. Note: hey what up human internet this is an evil robot from space. i transform into 3 (three) modes, each one capable of killing u and ur friends and ur community college professors. click 4 tons of pix each. u r probably not good enough to be my friend so dont IM me or anything,thx Accept Friend? (Y/N) Reports Message: 9/87 Posted Author Friend Request: OhItsPitchfork Mon Sep 29 OhItsPitchfork ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: OhItsPitchfork View profile? (Y/N) Y >> Name: Hello it is Pitchfork Location: the best part, internet Pictures: (3) Likes: being interested in things, transparency, speaking like an earnest, genuine man, the top 40 Dislikes: wood panels, vintage neon green soundwave tapedeck, nebula parties Note: oh hello. I didn't see you there. I am probably hanging with my best friends Skywarp and Sky Lynx right now, so if you leave me a message I will be sure to write you back with tons of emoticons and a picture of my cat. He looks like this ^__- kekekeke Accept Friend? (Y/N) Reports Message: 9/88 Posted Author Friend Request: Warmonger Tue Sep 30 Warmonger ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: Warmonger023 View profile? (Y/N) Y >> Name: Warmonger Location: New Crystal City, Galvatronium XIX ('Earth') Pictures: (0) Likes: Loyalty, War, Efficiency, Following Orders Dislikes: Disloyalty, Inefficiency, Organic Life Note: I, WARMONGER, exist solely to carry out the will of the MIGHTY DECEPTICON EMPIRE. I have no interest in your disgusting organic forms or your pathetic organic lives. If you 'befriend' me, know that I, WARMONGER, will use the information in your profile only to destroy your life-- both socially and physically. You will rue the day that you dared presume to speak to your betters. Accept Friend? (Y/N) Reports Message: 9/89 Posted Author Friend Request: Shockblast Tue Sep 30 Shockwave ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: Shockblast View profile? (Y/N) Y >> Name: Shockwave Location: Decepticon Imperial Headquarters, Cybertron Pictures: (1) Likes: Alternative fuels, competent and numerous staff, trains (on time), punctuation. Dislikes: Faraday cages, "emos," the Environmental Protection Agency, female Autobots. Note: The concept of "friendship" is thus far poorly defined in my perfect mechanized brain. I desire additional data on "friendship." Upon receipt of this message, respond at your earliest convenience that we may establish a rapport leading, presumably, to "friendship" and a completion of my understanding on this topic. Also note: I was unable to secure the correct "screen name" to identify myself to you as it appears that someone has already chosen to designate themselves "Shockwave." If you are this individual I ask that you make yourself known to me so that a correction can be made. Carry out my orders immediately or you will be irradiated. Accept Friend? (Y/N) Reports Message: 9/90 Posted Author Friend Request: Shockwave Tue Sep 30 Sideswipe ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: Shockwave View profile? (Y/N) Y >> Name: Sideswipe Location: Autobot City, Autobot City Brig, Iahex, Iahex Military Prison, Autobot City Medbay, Iahex Repair Complex Pictures: (384) Likes: Fun, Curves, Southern Accents, Green Eyes, Barroom Brawls, Punching, Guns, Decepticons. Dislikes: Strict Chain of Command personel, Cleaning, Uneventful Patrols, Conneticut Mad Vodka. Note: Hehe, yeah, I d=totaly name sniped this one guy, it's awesome. I keep getting the wierdest friends request though.. Anyway, so I have this thing and I've put a lot of pictures on it. Why? Because I'm that awesome, I'm that sexy, and I'm just that danged good. So yeah, hit me up with a request and maybe you can be open too. Reports Message: 9/91 Posted Author Friend Request: Thrust Tue Sep 30 Thrust ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: Thrust (It's Not Easy Being Maroon) View profile? (Y/N) Y Name: Thrust (It's Not Easy Being Maroon) Location: Somewhere Over the Rainbow Pictures: (946,941,684,932,644) Likes: Cones, Poker, SNL Coneheads, Friendly's Coneheads, Ice cream cones, Jazz (the music), Jazz Hands, My Jazz Hands, http://lolcats.com/, Aerospace, Catechism, Long Flights on the beach, Tom Cruise, Scientology, Jets, Dead Sweepcub Jokes, Dom DeLuise, Tron Guy, Death Metal, Oprah, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Batman, Elton John, Quickswitch, Raptor, Arcee, Prowl (because he is dead!) Dislikes: Foxfire, Autobots, Foxfire, Sweeps, Foxfire, Superman, Foxfire, Dirge' depression (He makes me listen to emo music when I am alone), Foxfire, Tapioca Note: Thanks for the add! I am Thrust, a very loyal Decepticon to the Aerospace Group. I love to spend my free time playing Poker. I really don't like to get involved in combat because when I do, I seem to get carried away. I wish my fellow Decepitcons (namingly Ramjet and Dirge) would stop treating me like I am an invalid. I have a digital camera and I love taking pictures of my Jazz hands. I think Catechism has a pretty cone. I also wish Fusillade would be nice to me. <:D Accept Friend? (Y/N) Reports Message: 9/92 Posted Author Friend Request: Thrust Tue Sep 30 Ramjet ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: Thrust (It's Not Easy Being Maroon) View profile? (Y/N) N Delete Request? Y Reports Message: 9/93 Posted Author Friend Request: Amerikhan768 Tue Sep 30 Americon ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Friendspaze.com Friend Request from: Amerikhan768 View profile? (Y/N) Y Name: Americon Location: America Pictures: (10,234) Likes: America, Steven Colbert, Apple Pie (I'll find a way to eat you, yet!), Dollars, Beer, Country Music, Capitalism, President Galvatron, Secretary of Homeland Security Soundwave Dislikes: Autobots, Communists, Socialists, Russia, France, Canada, Britain, welding tools, Death Cats Note: HEY I am an American like you so add me to your friends list do it right now or you will DIE because I will transform into eagle mode and DESTROY YOU(x3) CAWWWWW!!! I enjoy winning Texas Hold 'Em even if I am frequently told that is not what we are playing! Also I love defeating Autobots although I do not have a great record of doing so just yet! I'm still working at it though! Maybe you can give me some tips, human! Yes, give me your tips or DIE CAWWWW! Accept Friend? (Y/N)